An Ending, and a New Beginning

I lost a child today. This is my second miscarriage – the first was last October. Unplanned, unexpected, but very much loved – and secretly yearned for. I am devastated, relieved, desolate, pragmatic, lost, found. She would have been so beautiful, strong, tall, determined – my fierce, bright light. She was a sapling growing in my belly, a seed blown in by the wind. But her roots couldn’t find purchase in my inhospitable soil. I could feel her uncurling, sending shoots through every inch of me. I could feel my body responding to her presence – my blood pumping harder for her, my nose smelling more intensely for her, my belly and back making space for her. My head and heart aching for her. All my senses heightened, so that she could glimpse through me all the beauty that awaited her.

Will I get another chance? Will a life will itself into me once more? I don’t know. I know that I hope so. Despite the misery it means for my body and mind, both too empathic and sensitive by far, I want to feel that tender shoot reaching inside of me. I want to meet these souls, discover who they turn out to be – this brief entrance and abrupt exit shreds me in too many places. I will never meet them, these daughters who were and might have been. I will always be the poorer for it.

“Write about me!” she cries to me, even now, only a whisper whisking away on the wind. “Don’t forget! Don’t let me fade!” How could I not listen, and heed? My Loup, my Claire. I will always love you, and miss you, and wish you both could have stayed with me forever.

I will write, I promise. I will write of love, and motherhood, and the desperate fierce strength of women, whose hearts and touch and hope hold this world of flesh together.


1 comment so far

  1. Moosilaneous on

    Lovely tribute.
    I applaud your honesty. And I love your writing.
    Keep on keeping on. (Oh, lord, could I get more 70’s?)

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