Returned To The Source

“Return to the source.” That’s the phrase reverberating in my mind today. It refers to the Tao, guiding one to breathe and let go, allowing the myriad of weights and guilts and distractions to float at the surface of your thoughts while your mind descends below them to reconnect with your breath, your pulse, your soul, the world.

I need this today – this anchor of stillness, a distancing from the storm of my emotions. My own private storm – where I war between profound grief at my recent miscarriage, and a fierce repossessing of my body. Nothing instills more guilt than admitting how relieved I am to be returning to myself again, my body a familiar territory – no masked hormone pirates rampaging through me, raiding my secret spaces.

So I run from the guilt, shy away from that part of myself which is throwing my hands up to the sky and doing a mad dance, shouting “Yes! My body is mine, it’s MINE again!”. And I wrench myself from the tears, only a very thin veil away.

My grief is the ocean, pounding through a storm, waves crashing onto a rocky shore, sending salt spray into the air. I try to sink beneath its waves, feel that slower, deeper rhythm shushing beneath the crashing. Look up through the dark depths to the roil and flow above me. Acknowledge the complexity of this absolute simplicity – the ocean wouldn’t be the ocean without a surface, whether calm or stormy. This grief is a part of me, as is the relief – I can’t deny either.

Beneath the waves, my tears and the sea water are the same. I find the stillness, and suddenly she’s there. My maybe-baby, the daughter I almost knew. The woman she would have been. She smiles at me, silent, at peace. I can’t smile back, not yet. She understands.

I will forever look at crashing surf and see a mother’s loss – vast, open, stinging, soothing. Complicated. Simple. Sacred.


1 comment so far

  1. moosilaneous on

    The exultation and the grief are indeed co-existent – we just don’t have good ways of acknowledging them at the same time. I love that you are stretching to explore both.

    The ocean, the source of us all – man, you’ve got it nailed.

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