To Claire, For Remembrance

It has been a year since my first miscarriage.

A year since we first met, and parted, too soon.

Who would you have been, child of my heart?

You would have been fierce, and stubborn, and proud – and hell on
wheels. You would have been stunning.

I’d like to think that I could have taught you somewhat of bravery
and strength and patience, but if you were anything like your
brother, you would have been the one teaching me.

Especially that part about patience.

You have continued to be a part of my life, seen in the glints upon
water, the sparkles behind closed eyes. You have taught me how
precious life is, how beautiful, and how very much it is worth.

You were unexpected, uninvited, unforeseen.

But oh, so very much loved, and wanted – more than anything,
anything else – from the moment you made yourself known.

Someday, heavens willing, I will birth a second child. I hope it
will happen when I’m ready, when I’m strong, when I’m sound.

But if it happens when I’m not, you have shown me that my heart
holds all the strength and soundness my body or mind could ever
need.

How I wish you hadn’t gone. I will always yearn for you, with an
endless voiceless keening.

But I thank everything there is to thank that you came.

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