One Day at a Time

I’ve not written for a while.
I’ve had plenty to say, just nothing that I wanted to remember. My mind’s become my enemy again, careening from one low to another.
I’d hit a spot with my depression that vaguely resembled a plateau over the summer, with some rather rugged foothills all fall.
But now it’s steep slopes, with the occasional shocking drop.
There’s a reason for this hell, a good one.
A beautiful bouncing one.
I’m pregnant.
At long last.
It took about two weeks once our decision was made, so not so long technically speaking.
But a long time in getting here.
To the deep end.
After our experiences last time there was a baby involved, Doc and I finally came to understand the extent to which my depression is hormonally-triggered.
Which is the primary reason that the stretch between then and now has been so long.
But Dearest finally warmed to the idea of having a bigger family a couple of months ago, and I knew that there wasn’t going to be a better time, a good time, an adequate time any time soon.
So here we are.
We.
Baby and me.
This is something that I have to trust I will eventually be happy about.
Don’t get me wrong – I love the outcome.
Just not the process.
Not losing all the progress I’ve made to get to the point where I could even try.
I’ve got nothing much to complain of, symptom-wise – many, most women have harder pregnancies than this one. Baby seems to be on my side.
It’s just my brain that isn’t.
Even knowing what I was likely getting myself into isn’t helping; depression saps my ability to look beyond the now, to lift myself out of the overwhelming awfulness and remember that it’s all for a very good reason.
A good cause.
Some day, smiles will come more easily.
This high-jacking era will be a distant blur; poignant.
The harsh truth is that I have to get through here to get to there.
We all do.
And that’s why we do this, why we volunteer our bodies, hearts and minds to this baby-making child-rearing campaign. This battlefront.
For tomorrow’s tomorrow.
It’s why we do anything in life, really, including the wars where we fight each other and not just ourselves.
As a pacifist, though, I’d really rather not fight any.
All I really want to do is paint, and sing, and maybe make some quilts, and cook really delicious food.
And sometimes, I get to.
Just not right now.
Now is my time for bearing.
And waiting for beauty to come back.

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3 comments so far

  1. moosilaneous on

    My immense-est of hugs

  2. Lynn on

    I’m so sorry to hear that things are happy…and sad. Congratulations on the baby, and sending you lots of hugs and best wishes that you’ll both be happy and healthy very soon.

  3. nanci Burns on

    How poignant a message and an eye opening reminder to all of us Pollyannas that even good news can be bittersweet. There is often a dark side to all that is light. Night follows day. Keep reminding us that all of us experience life,s opportunities and challenges with different temperaments that give each of us a unique lens on the world


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