The birds and the bees – and the flowers and the dirt.

“Momma, can kids have babies if they kiss five times on the lips?”
“No, Love, kids can’t have babies.”
“But… I kissed Firecracker five times on the lips yesterday.”
I can hear Dearest snickering on the other side of the bedroom door, having dodged this existential bullet.
“You did? What was that like?”
“I dunno. But – can kissing make babies?”
“No Love. Kissing can’t make babies.”
It’s seven in the morning, we’re late for the schoolbus, and I’m trying to get both of us out the door without having had my coffee yet.
“But, how DO you make babies?”
Snowpants on, scarf wrapped, backpacks packed, I finally close the door behind us.
“Well, it’s like plants. You have to have the right conditions, like seeds, and soil, and nutrients. And you have to have the right timing – babies don’t just sprout all the time!”
Thank goodness for that.
“So, Mommies have flowers inside their bellies?”
“Kind of, yah!”
“But – how do the seeds get there?”
“Well, the Mommies have the eggs and the soil, and the Daddies have the seeds.”
“The Daddies have the seeds?”
“Yup! It takes a Mommy and a Daddy to make a baby. Mommies can’t do it only by themselves.”
“So… but… how does the Daddy get the seeds into the Mommy?”
Damn.
“Momma? How do the Daddies plant the seeds?”
Caffeine-deprived brain whirring frantically. Use noisy traffic as an excuse not to speak for a moment. Buy more time crossing the street.
“Mommy!”
Aha! Got it!
“Well, when the Mom and the Dad make love, that’s when the seeds get planted, and if the timing is right – if you’ve got the right kind of luck, then the seeds mix together with the egg.”
“And then the egg hatches?”
Yes! Move on from the planting! Distract him with the eggs!
“Well, not quite. Mommies don’t lay eggs like chickens do!”
Giggling.
“So, then what’s the egg for?”
“Well, it’s what starts the baby. When the seeds and the egg mix together, and snuggle inside the Mommy’s belly, that’s when the baby can grow. Like when we start our seeds growing inside the house in the spring in a little tiny container of compost, and then when the little shoots are big enough and the weather’s warm enough, we transplant them outside into the dirt in the garden? Do you remember that from last year?”
“Uh-huh.”
“Well, we’ll do that together again this year, and you’ll see. That’s a lot like how a baby grows, except it stays inside the Mommy’s tummy the whole time.”
“So Mommies are like gardens?”
“Well… yah. I guess they are!”
“And Daddies are like… the farmers?”
Uh… some fine analogy you’ve dug for yourself there, Grace.
“Um, sure. Daddies are like farmers, they take care of the gardens.”
“Cool!”
The schoolbus arrives, not quite in the nick of time.
Bonhomme greets Firecracker, giggling and bouncing. I wave goodbye to both cheerful faces pressed against the window. Chances are that tonight, Dearest will get asked when he’s going to plant his seeds in Mommy’s garden so that Bonhomme can have a baby brother. Or that Bonhomme will announce that he’s going to be a farmer when he grows up. Or that there will be a note from the teacher. Likely, all three.
A large coffee from Timmy’s today, I think.
Maybe two.

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4 comments so far

  1. moosilaneous on

    Oh, the things you can think!
    You managed all that before coffee?
    Awesome.

  2. IntrinsicEcho on

    As an addendum… thankfully he’s happy with the theory. Actual practice??? No way – forget it – that’s just “icky gross and nasty”
    “Dinosaurs and early mammals can do that mommy… people? eeeeeeeeeew.”

    Um.. ok

  3. IntrinsicEcho on

    I giggled at this… Both my kids refused this analogy… so I didn’t quite get to dodge the mechanics part… actually my son (while trying to deftly dodge the mechanics part) looked at me and said ‘so really what you’re not saying is that my parts fit in a girl’s parts and then…’

    Then he looks at me afterwards and says matter-of-factly “Mommy really why did that have to be so tough? It’s biology… which is science. Science isn’t tough”

    Sigh… yeah I’ll get into the social aspects with him a little later… right now I’ll leave it to science.

  4. Christianne Akyna on

    Hello, these inquiries had to come some time, but I think that you wiggle through quite well. I like your analogy of the garden and the farmer. Fortunately I don’t remember you having asked those quind of questions, at least not in so much details. Way to go lady!


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