The Inevitable Fall From Grace

The darkness has come again, and I am lost in it,
out of tune,
unstrung.
Uninvited tears flood as I struggle to ask a friend to take Bonhomme for the afternoon.
“She’s not fit to be a mother.”
“Look at her, falling apart.”
“What’s she crying about? Because someone else needs to mother her son for her? Because she has to ask? Because she has the gall to?”
“Not fit.”
These are the whispers of my heart music, discordant, insistent, endless.
I cry without reason, without warning, without relief.
I beg.
Make it go away.
Let this period of my life be over.
Please make this song end, let me move on.
There is no rhyme or rhythm, just this pathetic, soaked-pillow begging.
Alone.
Lost.
I am too lost to look up,
to look up from my bed,
from my feet.
I stare at them, deadened, and watch my feet take one stumbling step, and then another.
I have no idea where they are going –
I have only the bleak knowledge that they must go.
This is the only answer my prayers get:
no matter the music,
time still marches on.

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3 comments so far

  1. Moosilaneous on

    It’s taken me a week to take the time to type you something, but be assured you are always on my mind.
    Needing a break isn’t weakness, it’s good thinking, and good parenting.
    I have my fingers crossed for your well-being, and continued good choices, through the holiday craze.

  2. mcleanje on

    I have been feeling similar lately, though not with depression but dealing with a chronic illness. I wish it will go away but must accept that, not only will I be living with this for the rest of my life, it will effect my life more and more as the years pass along. So it is good to take comfort in the support of friends.

    • mindofgrace on

      I spend so much time wondering – is it depression, or is it a legitimate and honest reaction to just too much to handle by oneself? Life shouldn’t be this hard.


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