Archive for May, 2013|Monthly archive page

Wordless

I don’t have a lot of words these days. Not for lack of trying. But my stories and poetry come in colours and sounds and textures now, and only half-formed, at that. I am adrift in sensations.

But there are lilacs on my table, and painted fabric in my basement. A half-embroidered the-shirt for Hibou next to my chair, and Bonhomme’s wet soccer ball on a pile of muddy shoes. There are two unfinished quilts on my couch, and four more in my sewing chest, and a sleeping baby on my lap. My home is full of dreams.

Hope springs eternal

The pieces of me are slowly drifting back together. Not quite, like my hip chafing in its socket, but a closer fit than I’ve had in over a year.

I feel whole. Jumbled, perhaps, with some grinding and grating and shifting, but whole. Strongly myself.

Bonhomme was in Iqaluit with our family, these past couple of weeks, leaving Dearest and I to rediscover ourselves as new parents again, just us and the baby. We still feel a touch guilty for enjoying it quite so much, this vacation from our son. But it made me realize how with Bonhomme gone, a very large part of me was missing. Only once he was back home did I feel complete, secure in the world again.

This is what our children do to us. They enter our lives squalling, their vibrations shaking us apart at the seams, and then rebuild us, redesign us until we barely recognize our own new shapes. Filled with their noise, their needs, we lump around until it all settles into some sort of recognizable new structure, now needing to be loved and squeezed and lived in by tenants other than just ourselves.

I never knew myself until I knew my children.

The days are brighter now, the sun warmer on my comfortably worn skin. I delight in this fresh growing season, the spring green surprising me each day. Now every spring will be shared. Completely.